you're as weak as the hearts you break.

I woke up on the couch of a foreign house this morning. My brother was gone and I was alone besides the christmas tree and the piano sharing the room with me. I knew my uncle had gone to work early and my parents were upstairs. have you ever thought of what a strange holiday thanksgiving is? It's based on the raping of the Native American's land. But I digress.

It's even worse for the turkeys.

It's so hard to keep my eyes open. I'm actually looking forward to Seattle. To a city with actual seasons. It seems as if this trip is the perfect time to escape the mess at home. But can you ever truly escape it? It'll be staring me in the face again on Tuesday morning. I was cold and tried to shift into a comfortable position in my seat. my Dad asked if I wanted a blanket or a pillow. I declined. Airplane blankets and such scare me. how many people before you have used them? Who were they? What were they thinking? I love turbulence.

And I miss home already.

I need to snap out of it. As much as I may believe otherwise, The Beatles are not speaking to me in their songs, as oddly specific as they are.

"Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey, Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey, Jude! Don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her"

This was written 6,000 feet above your faces. I only brought this book along so that I could jot down the basic idea of my pathetic existance on this planet. Let's recap, shall we? It involves me falling madly in like only to see him holding my best friend. She knew. What hurts the most is as they were cuddling she looked at me, and flashed me a smile. A smile with bad intentions. Strike one. Said best friend apologized profoundly, I let her go. Not because it was the weak thing to do, because it was the strong thing to do. And what makes it worse is that he really liked her back. I couldn't let myself stand in between it. He didn't like me. He doesn't like me. He'll never like me. Well how could I expect him to? I don't even like me. And so, it was I who grabbed both of their arms, looked him dead in the face and spoke "Do you take this girl to be your girlfriend?"

He said okay.

He said okay.

He said okay.

It's true what they say about you being your worst enemy, as I proved by clearly stabbing myself in the heart. I may have smiled but on the inside I was crumbling in upon myself as I remembered the touch of his skin against mine. His voice in my ear. His kiss on my cheek. The rise of his stomach as he breathed in and out. I wanted to rip out my hair as I thought of him doing those things to her. I keep hearing that I'm the nicest girl in the world. Well so what? In this case, nice means stupid. I sacrificed my happiness for someone else. But...who will do it for me? Will I ever be happy like I used to be? I hate airports. I love airplanes. I'll never be able to listen to "Hey Jude" again without thinking of what could have been, what never will be. Is my one and only out there somewhere? Maybe I was just born with too many emotions.

Dear Seattle, does anyone want to fall in love for a week?